Sometimes when things are out of wack,
it freaks us out a little and makes us feel
like we're losing something that's really
important and that scares us even more,
so we try really hard to hold onto whatever
it is we think we're losing, and sometimes
we hold onto a little too hard.
Gilmore Girls

call me insane, but it really just seems like every time i tell my good friend that i have known quite literally my entire life [we met before pre-school since she lives down the street] who it is that i am starting to fall for, she goes out of her way to what it seems like flirt with him even more. she is a born flirter, meaning that it's just natural for her to flirt with any guy that says a single word to her, including "shutup". i mean i feel terrible for thinking that she is like this, but it's a continuous effect that i see happening. that's exactly why part of me didn't tell her for a few months that i was starting to fall for one of our friends.
i mean it's kind of sad that the guy found out that i was falling for him before i got a chance to let her know. so with that you can only imagine her reaction when i finally broke the news to her. it moreso went along the lines of "i'm so excited for my 18th birthday party!" "why?" "because the guy i like is coming .. or so he said last week." "oh, austin?" "um .. no" "oh, who?!" "the other guy .. santos" "oh really?!" and then we got in our cars and left school. i mean she reacted fine .. but then when i mentioned that i was going to the school play that he is in, she just invited herself. then also at my birthday party she was nonstop talking to him even though our other guy friends were there, such as austin, andy, and john [long time friends for the both of us, besides for andy in which we both met him this year].
and maybe it's like the quote said, maybe this is my sometime. this could be something out of wack that is freaking me out and makes me feel like i am losing chances with him and so it's scaring me more and so i'm trying hard to keep it from happening even if it means calling my long friend out on this? i really don't feel like i have ground to say anything to her. mainly since like she has mentioned, she talks to him more. but in reality, i am not the clingy type. i rather have a few meaningful conversations than a bunch of small pointless ones.
who really knows though. i doubt i hold a chance with this guy anyways. he is one amazing person that i could try to explain his greatness to you, but in reality i know what you are feeling "oh no .. another girl just saying the same thing she said about the last guy she fell for" so i am not even going to bother. i know my feelings and it's hard enough to try to explain to my good friends why i like him when they know me rather than trying to explain to complete strangers why i like the guy i do. life just seems to confuse me at this point. at times it seems like he's leading me on, when other times it seems like he is only being friendly to be friendly. i don't know where i stand with him and it scares me to find out.
he also thinks that i am going out of state for college, which probably is why he doesn't want to get too close with me. but things changed since we last talked about our futures. i am most likely staying here now just moving to live on campus. and he may live at home still and just comute? but who knows, we are about equal distances away from our hometown. just opposite ways. but i guess i shall let fate take us to where it wants. i can only be who i am and hope that's good enough for him right?

so i am a mess, the tears just keep coming and everything. and if you knew anything about me, you would know why i am so upset. i am a christian and follow my faith in christ and he knows that, so it hurts that he would want to do that to me knowing that. :[ what should i do? i don't want to be the only one in my group by myself at my SENIOR PROM and the only person i want to go with now, doesn't share the same feelings with me apparently and would never want to take me to prom.

So if your heart wrings dry my love, I will fill your cup. And if your load gets heavy [boy], I will lift you up. But troubles, they may come and go, but good times be the gold. So if the road gets rocky [boy], steady as we go."
++Dave Matthews Band--Steady As We Go

so its time to continue with the story of my life. my grandfather died this past friday. he meant everything to me but i have AMAZING friends that helped me through it. both on the softball field and off of the softball field. he finally is done suffering and walking again in heaven. also, i have talked and hung out with the new crush. like some signs show that he likes me right? and then others its like nah hes just being THAT friendly. so its leaving me into this confusion. i really wish i knew his thoughts. so i knew if i should move on to hopefully find someone new or just continue to like him. this is such a confusing situation.
but also on another note .. today was our disaster drill. and i was an "injured student" and i had a missing right foot. but we concluded that it came flying off and hit my friend john in the eye and so thats why his eye was bleeding. but yeah. so he was singing amazing grace .. it was interesting. and well they didnt find me for over a half an hour so im sure i bled to death. but they still "treated" me. they put guaz on my ankle and said to hold it .. so i sort of did. and then they had to put me on a stretcher where they called me fat basically. so that was interesting. i mean they almost dropped me so many times and then we get over there and they lay me on the ground and they elevate my foot and put some straps on it and stuff. and then asked me where i was and i told them in a lunch line since i was .. then they coded me red for my response .. which means really bad. so that was interesting. and then i had the space blankets on me where i looked like a burrito from chiptole .. but all around it was alright. it beat sitting out in the sun for an hour or more.
ugh now back to the boy issue. the guy is so cute and so funny. its ridiculous. i just wish someone could give me the advice i need. i wanna know so bad if i should risk it and tell him or just hold back and risk not having a boyfriend this year. i went to my first football game [jv game though] today and went to my first dance earlier this year so who is going to stop me from going on my first date or having my first boyfriend? ughh its ME! because i dont know what to do. err. situations. HELP anyone. [being totally serious]